2005-02-17 - 8:31 a.m.
Writing
Why do I feel like I have to write? What have I got to say anyway? It’s like there’s a thought in my head that needs to escape, but I can’t find the thought and so I feel frustrated until I start to write. But I write about nothing in particular and the need is satiated for a time being, but then I feel myself needing to write again and still unable to capture that thought.
It’s like Chinese food.
I’m a communicator – that’s the issue. I need to communicate. I crave communication. I have to write or talk to someone for the better part of a day or I don’t feel complete. I think that might be part of the problem here in my job; I don’t have anyone to communicate with on a regular basis and the people I can communicate with – I’m disappointed by. I’m not disappointed with the people, I’m disappointed with the kind of communication we share. My boss even admits that he doesn’t communicate…at all.
I didn’t really know this about myself, or hadn’t given it much thought until just now. Funny that it has escaped me – I have a damn thousand-person address list that I send mass e-mails out to on a semi-regular basis, I write notes to other people in their diary sites constantly, I have running e-mail conversations with people I have never met…
…I’m starting to feel kind of pathetic.
I’m not only a communicator, I am also a performer. I like to perform for people. The last office I worked in was definitely my stage; I often found myself relaying stories to a group of people at work. Some of my co-workers would see this and say, “It’s the Rowley Show again.” I’m the guy that will jeopardize the crowd’s attention at a party and try to get everyone laughing. I think it started as a defense mechanism and a way to win people over when I was a child. My mother moved us around so much, that I was thrust into new social situations constantly and had to try and win friends over or at least try to keep people from beating my ass for being the new kid in school. Why does the new kid always have to take an ass beating?
In my adult life I struggled with these characteristics, because as I got good at performing people would want more and more of my time (socially). I started to hate people and found that I started cutting myself off from social interaction to avoid being pulled back and forth. Part of my performance included trying to give each person I knew exactly what they wanted from me – every person wants you to be a different “you” to meet their expectations for interaction. If you think about it, we’re expected to be many different kinds of people, but we’re really just ourselves. I think this is a relationship dynamic that causes a lot of problems in society, because people become frustrated when they don’t get what they want from each other.
I learned a valuable lesson though. I learned to select my friends and acquaintances more carefully and stick to people that I wasn’t required to perform for. I also learned that I didn’t have to perform to make friends, that I could be as much myself as I want and people would still want to be around me. I have good friends now, who don’t place any expectations on me. When it comes down to it…I’m really fortunate, because I have lots of wonderful friends, who I love dearly and who are so good to me. And now…I still perform, but it’s because it’s fun and we all perform for each other and we laugh.
So what am I bitching about?
Oh yeah…I’m in this room…all alone.
I need to find a new stage…
