2005-03-07 - 7:06 a.m.
There are imperative lessons that fathers must teach their sons in life. These lessons are important to ensure that a young man has a good foundation by which to live his life and interact with society in general. A young man must have the right tools in his "tool box", so-to-speak, and so fathers must step up to the plate and pass on priceless information that they have collected over the years in order to insure that their sons pass through the gates into manhood with Craftsman tools, rather than fisher Price tools.
These secrets to life include many topics, but the most important revolve around three particular areas: Sex, drugs, and of course...Rock-and-Roll.
That is why I have taken it upon myself, as a father, to instruct my son in the very important art of "Rockin' Out." As you know, I take my fatherly duties very seriously, so I have constructed a detailed plan and have been following this plan closely to ensure that my son understands the fine details of Rockin' Out and can do so without fear of missing a beat (pun intended).
I have taken a phased approach, which breaks down as follows:
1) Rockin' Out in the car. This is an important phase, as it sets the stage for how one will Rock Out outside of the car. Due to the fact that my son is showing early signs of being a hard rock lover, possibly a Metal-Head, and given that fact that we are Irish I have selected Dropkick Murphys for this phase. In this phase I have instructed him on proper Head-Bangin' techniques, making the two-fingered Rock-N-Roll sign (shown here by Dio) and trashing it about while Head-Bangin', and yelling the only part of the lyrics he knows at the top of his voice. He has mastered this phase fully and moved on to the next phase, which is...
2) Air Guitar. Anyone who Rocks-Out understands the importance of air guitar, knows its intricacies and understands that it is not to be taken lightly. Improper or inappropriate air guitaring can lead to many things including serious embarrassment. For this phase I selected the one and ONLY band that air guitar should be instructed by...the music of the ORIGINAL Van Halen. I'm talking about the David Lee Roth Van Halen - there is NO substitute. During this phase I instructed him on proper hand technique (I allowed him to hold a toy guitar to aid his learning), and compulsory moves. Compulsory moves are the most important part and include legendary techniques like the Fist Thrust, Windmill, the Guitarist Kick, the Sun God, Surfing on the Guitar, the String Scrape, the Water Pump Stroke, Lickin-the-strings, the Pick-Flick and many, many more. We are only half way through this phase, but he's a natural and is soaking up the instruction like a sponge. Though we haven't completed this phase, I sort of pre-maturely jumped into the next phase to see if he could handle the extra load. The result: NO PROBLEM. Saturday night I instructed him on...
3) Concert Etiquette. I took this lesson from the front row approach, assuming that he will always have good tickets and be smashed against the barricades in front of the stage. This lesson started with the Stage Rush, advanced Head-Bangin' and Rock-N-Roll symbol use, and lead into the Barricade Climb and proper crowd-working techniques for when one is being carried out of the concert by security. I also gave him a quick lesson on moshing, but haven't gone into it in too much detail, as he hasn't mastered the rest of the lesson yet. Crowd surfing and stage diving are next. We used the couch as our make-shift barricade and rocked out to Quiet Riot, as they offer one of the best sounds for head banging. I crushed him against the "barricade" as he banged his little head and trust the Rock sign into the air and then I moved around the couch to intercept him as he bum-rushed the stage. As I carried him out of the living room he threw the rock symbol to his mother and little sister and screamed, "ROCK-N-ROLL, MAMA!!!"
I'm tearing up...I'm so proud.
(P.S. - If you've just started reading, be sure to look at my older entries, because sometimes I get carried away and post three or four times a day! I'm spastic.)
