2005-03-10 - 12:36 p.m.
2005 is my angry year.
Allow me to qualify this statement.
I was thinking back today of days gone by, my youth, and my military life when it occurred to me that I was at my five year anger mark. You see, I am an eternal optimist, mostly upbeat, a total empathist, and an all around pacifist and these attributes dictate that I get angry but once every five years. This information inevitably leads you to the conclusion that I rarely get angry and, in fact, I only do so EVERY 5 YEARS - to overstate the previously stated.
I recall the last time...it was 5 years ago...the year 2000. I became enraged at two of my guys for ignoring my direction, petty bitching, undermining my authority, and patronizing me to my face. At least, for the 3.5 seconds that I was actually angry, those were the reasons. I recall throwing a folder to the floor and yelling something completely incomprehensive and then storming out. After I cooled down, I returned, assembled the troops and apologized for my unprofessionally. Later I spoke to the two individuals individually, apologized and chastised. Like 5 years before that, the outburst had nothing to do with the moment and everything to do with me bottling up my stress in an effort to "keep it together" during a difficult time in my life. A great approach to stress management, as illustrated.
In 1995 I nearly killed one of the Airmen in my shop. This guy...oh man...intelligent and hard working, but not a lick of common sense and a horrible attitude to boot. I was constantly saying to this guy, "Ludy, work smart - not hard." I swear, he'd climb around his elbow just to get to his asshole for every job.
This one day, I told him to do something a particular way, because it needed to get done and because I wanted him to follow my explicit instructions, as we are trained to do in the Air Force. It's one of the points of military life...following direction with little question. Now, had this guy rarely questioned the leadership, I would not have had issue with him, but Ludy felt the need to question every, single requirement. So, when he stood there bitching about the task for 10 minutes as I stared on...not getting anything done myself...I finally said, "Listen, Ludy. You keep complaining; I'm going to go over there and do some work. When you're done, go ahead and do what I asked you to do." And I walked away.
He bitched all day, to everyone he possibly could...out loud. I took no offense and said nothing. If his supervisor wasn't willing to teach him the finer points of military life, then he'd have to learn the hard way, just like I did.
When I returned from lunch, there was Ludy - bending the superintendent’s ear about what I was making him do. Ludy had just crossed over one of those invisible military lines...he jumped chain about two levels.
Since it was my angry year and I was (again) under a great deal of stress, I handled it really well. I walked over and stepped in front of Ludy, "You don't do this. You don't take your complaint all the way up the damn chain of command without first bringing it to me and then your supervisor. What the hell is your issue?"
Ludy then turned his back on me and walked to his desk. I have heard many people say, "I SAW RED!" At that moment, I knew what they meant. My vision was literally filled with RED. I saw nothing but blood red color as all the blood in my body rushed to my head.
I stormed across the floor, "What the FUCK do you think you're doing!" Ludy looked at me and then sat down - I think I almost puked, I was so angry.
And then I committed a grave error in judgment. I'm a fairly good sized guy, so when I reached down and grabbed Ludy and pulled him up by the arm, "What the FUCK! Get UP!" He knew I meant business.
"GET IN THE FUCKING OFFICE NOW!!!" We both headed that way and I slammed the door behind us. Later, my co-workers said you could hear a pin drop, because as long as any of them had known me (some for years) I had never raised my voice, nor had I ever used profanity, to their knowledge.
We stood there staring at one another and shaking in silence. The superintendent came in the office - this guy was the definition of laid back, "Alright now, let's everybody calm down." It took me all of 30 seconds to get a grip and apologize for my actions.
It's 2005 and a potentially stressful year. I transitioned from overseas, bought a house, started a new job (which is not going so well), finances are a little tighter, my son is...the hulk...
I need to find a way to head this year's outburst off at the pass, before it gets the better of me.
