2005-03-28 - 7:51 p.m.
I'm always surprised by this feeling: loneliness.
One glass of Red Zinf down and half a glass of Valpolicella left to go; I sit here alone in the house. My family has left for more southern latitudes, while I sit at home, in the dark, and wonder where the night will take me; D-land will be my guide.
I am lonely without them, but the feeling catches me by surprise every time. In my previous marriage I relished these moments - the times when I could be utterly alone with not a soul to answer to.
But now...I just feel lonely.
So, I clean the house and eat some food. I have a couple glasses of wine and settle into D-land; a movie waits for me in a holding pattern somewhere around my brain.
These are the porn times too.
As a rule, I am not a porn guy - It's just not me. Other guys look at porn, while I pass it by for a dose of hot, salty life on a stick. But for some reason, at times like this, I pull out the porn and take a peek; the computer is a ready accomplis to this end.
I'll check out a couple of web sites, just long enough to encourage...um...no need to be basely guttural here. Anyway, I view porn sometimes. These times, specifically.
I've never written something like this while buzzed. Usually, in my youth mostly, it would be poetry and I would be stumble-trip-sloppy-lips drunk. I'd write something all angry and hopeless, full of pain and regret. Now my life is my poetry and it's far from angry or regretful.
Sometimes I long for that pain. Sometimes I wish I felt the passion of my youth again. What I wouldn't give to feel my body burning like a furnace, while I lingered just above her lips for that first kiss and then plunged into her without heed, like a wolf tearing into a young rabbit.
What I wouldn't give.
I miss my youth. I miss the feel of my young skin and the taught muscles, even when I hadn't been exercising. I miss my neck; it was so thick and strong.
But there are things that I do not miss.
I do not miss the uncertainty and lack of confidence - actually, the front of confidence. I do not miss the mistakes and the inability to look ahead. I miss the physcial, but not the emotional and mental...a little of the emotional, maybe.
I wish I would get a call from a complete stranger right now - I just need to talk.
I can't type anymore.
