2005-10-19 - 2:37 p.m.
I'm an actor - have been since I was a kid.
Not so much any more; though I act on occasion when the climate is right (usually for comedic effect), but I mostly live life as a realist now.
But as a child, I think I should have won an Oscar or two. Acting was a large part of who I was for two main reasons: it came naturally & and I did it out of necessity. I spent many days making up stories, that I would record on my tape recorder (complete with sound effects), and making costumes, which I wore everywhere. I took a lot of crap from other kids, because of my eccentric nature, but I kept right on.
That was the natural part.
My mother and I moved at least once a year - usually two or three times. The moves could be to a new apartment or across country, depending upon the nature of the problem she was running from at the time. As a result I found myself in a new neighborhood, new school, new social setting, and new set of human interactions on a frequent basis. We often left everything behind too, which added even more dimension to my already demented existence.
Changing so often affects a person - believe it or not. I found myself having to fit into new situations all of the time and often found that I didn't readily fit, so I would attempt to modify myself in order to avoid...ass beatings, teasing, various other kinds of abuse, and who knows what else. So, I developed a trend; I would sit back and quietly observe until I figured out what the best way for me to "fit in" was. I might become the introverted artist, or just the introvert - maybe I'd be the straight A student with a creative flare, or the guy in choir and drama. I might become the nerd, geek, or loser, but never the jock. I was even the class president one year in high school.
I tried to see what others wanted from me and conform to that mold; and all this with NO self-confidence.
The problem is - everyone wanted something different. As hard as I tried, I couldn't please everyone - but I really did try. When I became an adult and left the social rigors of childhood, I became frustrated with this dynamic - everyone pulling me in every direction. I found that more and more people wanted a piece of me, because I had honed my acting skills into a finely tuned social hook - I was a magnet.
So I abandon people and went in search of myself. It's a long and sordid tale and one I have been sharing through this forum - one I will continue to share - but I think, somewhere along the way, I finally found myself. I gained self-confidence (possibly too much), dropped the facade, learned to limit my interactions to a few important people and as a result am a very happy and well-adjusted person (twitch twitch). The few friends I have now I cherish, each new interaction is carefully considered, and I live life from my own...script.
Where am I going with this? This entry isn't particularly well written or concise...
...I know.
Hi everyone - this is me.
